C.O Jones on Cinco De Mayo is like watching a horse being impregnated (sex education having changed since the advent of the internet). It is something you wish no one else to experience. The holiday batch of margaritas are more syrupy than 7-11 and the tequilla is applied with an eye dropper. Hans and Mendez entered and grimaced as their beloved burrito station was not there. A hooded figure holding a sickle pointed to a sign reading "No Specials."
Hans was about to have one of his "infamous" hissy fits. His hands broke out into hives. "Anything but this!" Mendez wanted to calmly remind Hans that this was a holiday and the lack of specials was to be expected, but seeing Hans's hands, ordered another Slush-Puppy instead.
The hooded figure stepped towards the bloggers. He slowly removed his hood revealing busy red hair and beard. A leprechaun! "Have you lost your zeal? Have you lost your zest?" And with that the Leprechaun pulled a flask from his vest.
"You've forgotten that every ten feet on State Street is a chance to drink! Why its just like Crown Street if you stop to think. A bar here and a there, why even tonight there's bar specials everywhere! The leprechaun took a swig and pulled Hans and Mendez by their ears to J.P Dempsey's, which is across the street from the once lovely C.O. Jones.
The Leprechaun laughed and waved, leading Hans and Mendez in his merry way to the back of the restuaruant. It was less crowded than CO Jones and had more room. More importantly, they had a happy hour. "Waitress," the leprechaun called with a voice rather mellow, "for my sad friends here, a shot made of Jell-o." This kind gesture sort of made up for the ear pulling. It was also pleasing to find a bar that doesn't give a damn about image and serves Jell-o. Hans and Mendez were even transported back in their memories to a time when "Jigglers" was a common noun. The Waitress applied a liberal amount of whipped cream to the Jell-o shots, while the Leprechaun smiled as the two bloggers perked up.
"Why the drinks are fifty cents off and there are some sandwiches by the window. Yes they use mustard instead of mayo. There are peanuts on the table and dinner is served late. It's the perfect place to leave a blacked out date!" The Leprechaun's enthusiasm was quie contagious and J.P Dempsey was offering margaritas which the bloggers drank with the lovable man. It was going oh so well until the Leprechaun spilled beer on himself. He arose with anger and made such a clatter, that the bloggers knew immediately the Leprechaun was "beer battered."
"Oh shit, my I-phone," the Leprechaun lamented. "And tonight my fantasy baseball team is playing. Damn it all."
"But Mr. Leprechaun, why do you need an I-phone?" Mendez asked the wee man in green. And here is the part of the story which may make you shed a tear. He was no Leprechaun at all, but a short man in his Freshman year. He dressed as a Leprechaun out of a pledge and confessed this all tearfully to Hans and Mendez.
"Hey for showing you two guys around, can you at least let me spend the night? I shouldn't be drinking and driving." The kind bloggers agreed that such behavior was dangerous and let the Leprechaun stay the night, but reader beware: a Leprechaun always keeps a VHS copy of the beloved action movie Con Air. It stars Nicholas Cage as a Army Ranger sent to prison for protecting his wife from drunk, violent men with rape as a personal mission. For seven years he waits and doesn't complain and how is taking home? Not by car but by plane. The movie was long and terribly slow and soon the duo fell asleep. The Frat leprchaun used a magic marker and drew genitals on their faces.